four months

Today we made “number shirts.” Jed is extremely fascinated by football jerseys and any shirt that has a number on the back. He has one football t-shirt with numbers on the back and, um, well it does need to be washed once in a while. So I was grateful for a creative spark this afternoon! Then we went outside to play football and burn some energy.

I know its been very quiet here for some time. I don’t really have anything profound to say other than the last six weeks have been really tough. Sickness has been plaguing me…nothing dramatic (well, I did develop bronchitis, other than that) and now I’m feeling a sore throat creeping on again. Grief is really exhausting. I often times forget how exhausting it is.

I was encouraged a week ago as I attended a candle vigil in remembrance of all the babies gone too soon, put together by my friend Melissa. It was an honor to share Naomi’s video at the service and while it was hard to watch again, it was also comforting to know that I was in the company of many precious parents who shared my grief. And I was able to receive again the gift of gratefulness for my daughter’s life. Her life was short and full of suffering, but it was also a gift to be able to know her even in the brief, limited ways we were able to.

Yesterday marked four months since Naomi went to be with Jesus. It is a short time and yet it honestly feels like its been years since I last held her. I never knew I could cry so. many. tears.

You keep track of all my sorrows.

You have collected all my tears in your bottle

You have recorded each one in your book.

Psalm 56:8

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
    and saves those whose are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18

These are words I am holding on to as I figure out how to live with some of our family here and some of our family on the other side of the veil. I know that she lives on but the missing her and not understanding why and the longing for a better day, a better place than this broken world where babies die and all manner of evil happens…is HARD. Trusting that God is going to make all things right and fill up all our brokenness and shattered dreams…it is hard.

Tonight I read from The Jesus Storybook Bible the story of the feeding of the 5,000 to the boys, with throat aching and me whispering these words after the little boy brought his little lunch to Jesus and Jesus’ friends laughed at the thought that the little lunch could make even a little dent in the hunger of more than 5,000 people.

But Jesus knew the One who made all the fish in the oceans. And Jesus knew the One who in the very beginning had made everything out of nothing at all.

And as the little lunch was offered and given thanks for and broken and given it became enough…it became more than enough. And its amazing, these miracles, but as Sally Lloyd-Jones so aptly puts it at the end of the story…

It’s what God had been doing from the beginning, of course. Taking the nothing and making it everything. Taking the emptiness and filling it up. Taking the darkness and making it light.

So I’m waiting and offering up my nothing, praying that He will take it and fill me. That one day my darkness will become light. I know it will because I feel Him here with me, in the arms of friends who say nothing but just hug me, in the love of my family, in the kindness of meals brought, in quiet moments of knitting on the couch finding a way to pass the time.

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