Meditating

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a picture from today just because he is so darn cute and I love that he’s getting all independent and yet still comes to snuggle with me each morning as we wake up together.

I was recently talking to my sister about the discomfort I feel from not having a nice, neat story to tell, a testimony to give that has a beginning, middle, and end with a clear plot climax and resolution. The reality is, grief is messy and I often times feel like a broken record.

I want to keep moving forward to healing, I want to be done with this intense pain and darkness. I want to be normal again. But one agonizing day at a time I am learning that grieving is meditation, not the peaceful, relaxing mediation we typically think of, but rather the slow, laborious walk around and around the truths that I know.

My daughter died.

God is good.

This world and all of us in it are suffering from this terrible curse.

Many are suffering more terribly than I am.

There is a Redeemer and I will stand with him one day.

Life sometimes feels pointless.

I’ve been blessed beyond measure in all three of my children, my husband, my family and incredible friends.

Yet my heart hurts so much because I miss my Naomi.

Round and round and round I go. I find there are a songs that speak powerfully to me of this sacred meditation on grief. Here is one that has been especially significant to me lately.

O Heart Bereaved And Lonely

1. O heart bereaved and lonely,
Whose brightest dreams have fled
Whose hopes like summer roses,
Are withered crushed and dead
Though link by link be broken,
And tears unseen may fall
Look up amid thy sorrow,
To Him who knows it all

2. O cling to thy Redeemer,
Thy Savior, Brother, Friend
Believe and trust His promise,
To keep you till the end
O watch and wait with patience,
And question all you will
His arms of love and mercy,
Are round about thee still

3. Look up, the clouds are breaking,
The storm will soon be o’er
And thou shall reach the haven,
Where sorrows are no more
Look up, be not discouraged;
Trust on, whate’er befall
Remember, O remember,
Thy Savior knows it all

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2 thoughts on “Meditating

  1. If we all had neat and seemingly perfect lives, who would our stories appeal to? Each bump in the road opens us up to appealing to a larger audience – gives us an opening to relate to, comfort and touch other people in their pain. It shows God’s faithfulness with each struggle we overcome.

    I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. I had a miscarriage back in February and though that’s not the same thing as what you went through, I have really benefited by attending Celebrate Recovery to process through the grief. Have you ever considered attending? http://www.celebraterecovery.com

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