Here I am now. It’s 2013. I can hardly believe that 2012 has come and gone. I feel like I’ve done enough living for a lifetime in the past year. I think back to the beginning of 2012 and all the hope and excitement for the year that lay ahead. I could never have imagined what was to come.
Now, a new year is upon us. I’ve been thinking a lot about this space, though not writing here much. I want to change that and have some ideas. Also, a new camera! So excited for that and hope to be able to share more pics soon, especially of our trip out east over the holidays.
But I have been thinking about what my hopes are for the year. Honestly, I am not sure I want to put hopes out there. Because I am afraid, afraid of them being dashed. Yet I hear the Word that “perfect Love drives out fear“. The word that I keep coming back to as I think toward this year and how I want to live it…renewed. The greatest hope that I cling to is that all things will one day be made new, renewed…a new heaven and a new earth. That God will make all things right with me and with all of creation. While I await that day, my prayer is that this year will be one of renewal. I really need a renewal of hope in day to day life and what lies ahead for our family. I still keenly feel the brokenness of my heart over Naomi’s loss. I long for a renewal of relationships, of dreams, of exercise and health for my family.
Last month I was in a place where I was really tired of grief. I was tired of feeling tired. I was struggling to give myself permission to rest as I needed to…after all, I thought, it’s been eight months since she was born, nearly six since she died, shouldn’t I be ready to get back to “normal”? (Of course I want me old normal, my pre-loss normal which is not possible). One thing I have been learning in this process of grieving is to be gentle with myself. I won’t even say I’ve learned to be patient because I think it is really something I need to learn more of. But I was basically starting to equate rest with me being lazy. Through some conversation with my counselor I found a new word to describe what I really need…renewal. The word renew seems much more active and participatory than the word rest. So often I think of rest as doing nothing, though I know that rest can be just as active, like waiting. You have to choose it. So as I’ve continued to think about the word renew and in light of this time of year when I see lots of people choosing a word for the year, this is my word for 2013.
Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,” for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”
He said to me: “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life. Those who are victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God and they will be my children.