on prayers in the mess and not being alone

DSC04796_2A month of Sundays has come and gone since I’ve written here.

Sunny, 90 degree days of shorts and sandals followed by pull the wool socks back out, chilly days we’ve had this May. Celebrations of graduation, a trip out west, visiting gardens and watching baseball along with school and work and the day to day business of living have filled our days.

I’ve stumble for words, for the right words to put here this month. Because in everything I do I want the “right.” But my life doesn’t often feel orderly and put together. Most of the time it feels messy and like I’m just barely keeping my head above water and,

oh Jesus, help!

I pray that a lot.

Oh Jesus, help!

I think its a good prayer. I also wish I remembered to pray it more. Like when I am so done with repeating myself for the fiftieth time to my boys. Or when I smell the warm air and am transported back to one year ago in the hospital with Naomi on my first Mother’s Day as a mother of three. Or when I am about to board a plane for Portland and leave my boys for a week for the first time since my daughter died. Or when I have so much to do and all I want to do is go to bed. Or when I hear about tornadoes and children dying and homes destroyed. Sometimes I pray. Sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I want to pray but can’t. But all the time Jesus is with me. And He knows. He knows the struggle and the mess and the joy and the sorrow.

In grief and in life I think sometimes all we need is to know we are not alone. And to know we are loved.

You are loved. I am loved. We’re all a mess. And Jesus is here in the midst of it with us.

This is what I know to be true.

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2 thoughts on “on prayers in the mess and not being alone

  1. Good morning sweetheart. Been praying that you know His presence , keeping your eyes on Him as you follow His lead. Thank you for your thoughts here. You are loved so very much.

    Momma

  2. I continue to pray for you sweet lady. The Spirit places your face in my mind at least once a day . . . when I am filling the coffee pot, when I am gazing at a stunning Colorado sunset, when I am sitting in silence before the Lord, when I lean down to feed the dog, when I think of Marcus far away . . . your sweet face in my mind. And I pray . . . surround her Jesus, keep her Jesus, soothe her heart, strengthen her soul, help her to celebrate life. Love to you this day.

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