March

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DSC02361DSC02362 DSC02376We are moving forward into a new season. A season that will require a lot of courage and strength. A year is quickly approaching. The time when we will remember and celebrate our daughter’s one year birthday in Heaven. The time when we will remember the days she lived here on this earth.

We bravely wait for life to be renewed from the frozen earth beneath our feet, trusting that winter will soon give way to spring and the warmth of summer. The cold wind of fear for what these months will bring tries to wind its way around my heart. This month I am stepping out in hope, in faith, in love, on many fronts. I am learning to breath deeply and to be right here with my whole heart.

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I remain confident of this:
    I will see the goodness of the Lord
    in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
    be strong and take heart
    and wait for the Lord. 

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Meditating

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a picture from today just because he is so darn cute and I love that he’s getting all independent and yet still comes to snuggle with me each morning as we wake up together.

I was recently talking to my sister about the discomfort I feel from not having a nice, neat story to tell, a testimony to give that has a beginning, middle, and end with a clear plot climax and resolution. The reality is, grief is messy and I often times feel like a broken record.

I want to keep moving forward to healing, I want to be done with this intense pain and darkness. I want to be normal again. But one agonizing day at a time I am learning that grieving is meditation, not the peaceful, relaxing mediation we typically think of, but rather the slow, laborious walk around and around the truths that I know.

My daughter died.

God is good.

This world and all of us in it are suffering from this terrible curse.

Many are suffering more terribly than I am.

There is a Redeemer and I will stand with him one day.

Life sometimes feels pointless.

I’ve been blessed beyond measure in all three of my children, my husband, my family and incredible friends.

Yet my heart hurts so much because I miss my Naomi.

Round and round and round I go. I find there are a songs that speak powerfully to me of this sacred meditation on grief. Here is one that has been especially significant to me lately.

O Heart Bereaved And Lonely

1. O heart bereaved and lonely,
Whose brightest dreams have fled
Whose hopes like summer roses,
Are withered crushed and dead
Though link by link be broken,
And tears unseen may fall
Look up amid thy sorrow,
To Him who knows it all

2. O cling to thy Redeemer,
Thy Savior, Brother, Friend
Believe and trust His promise,
To keep you till the end
O watch and wait with patience,
And question all you will
His arms of love and mercy,
Are round about thee still

3. Look up, the clouds are breaking,
The storm will soon be o’er
And thou shall reach the haven,
Where sorrows are no more
Look up, be not discouraged;
Trust on, whate’er befall
Remember, O remember,
Thy Savior knows it all